National PTSD Awareness Day - June 27th

I haven't had much to say lately. I'm not too certain of the point in which my rambling turns into a repetitive mess, but then again - my life is a repetitive mess and I am trying to help people understand the inner most workings of the PTSD mind. In the beginning of the blog I wanted people to understand me but I've recently realized that even if I put myself out there and pour my everything into this public display - I still can't make people read it.
I've heard every excuse in the book. I've heard how "hurtful" it can be or how "hard it is" or how people "don't have time to read". Please spare me the time you've wasted on your excuses. If this is hurtful to you, then please take a second to realize both how hurtful both my every day is and how hurtful it is to know that you don't care enough to know who I am. This is just as hard for me to both live through and share as it is for anyone reading it.
For a second, I felt bad for some people (the ones who spat out hurried excuses) and I let them chew on those excuses for a while with validity and confidence. But then I realized this: if I loved someone - I would want to know not only everything about them, but also how to help them if they needed my help.

Is that not how people love? Wholeheartedly? Unconditionally? Without question or complaint or resistance? Shouldn't that be how you love a child or a sibling or a friend?

All I want from this, is for one person to gain insight from it so that they either feel better about themselves (if they are relating to what I am saying) and what they're experiencing or are able to apply it to people that they love or are trying to help.
I want you all to know, that any time that I'm understood or that someone attempts to understand me, it means the world to me.

I've struggled a lot with this lately - with feeling like my thoughts weren't significant enough. Like my PTSD was or was not relevant at all. I've recently had someone tell me that it's my problem so I should deal with it. I've searched endlessly for things to share to help educate people on PTSD - especially with so many soldiers coming home from war with PTSD - but there was a bit of a road block. Almost all the information that I find has to do with military PTSD. I love my soldiers and I wholeheartedly appreciate everything that they do for us and I feel horrible for a soldier that has to have their memories branded into their brain compliments of PTSD. With that being said - I also need to say this: My brain is just as broken as theirs is. My PTSD isn't irrelevant because my trauma was different.

On any given day, I could stop fighting. And no, I'm not saying "give up my life" but I could wake up one day and say "I just don't feel like busting my ass to stay functional today." But I don't, I wake up every day and fight like hell through every hour of the day. The general public (or even friends/family/coworkers) don't see it because to them it looks like I just might not be paying attention to them or like I'm crabby that day or that I'm just another one of those people with their face in their phone.

I can assure you that no matter how cool and collected I might always look, I'm constantly fighting for custody of my own thoughts or trying to being completely aware of my surroundings in order to avoid a triggersome situation. If I'm laughing and smiling... well, then something has made me happy and I'm in the present. I'm distracted, I'm here (instead of in my head).
(Trust me, I hang on to those happy moments just as strongly as I do the bad ones - I use them for distraction if I can manage it.)

Still don't understand how severe it is? I'm writing this entry while locked in my bathroom because my brain is telling me I'm not safe. Is it lying? Most likely. Am I able to convince it of that? Partially... that is in fact why I am locked in a small room. It appears to be safe.

I can't stress it enough - education is key to helping people with PTSD or any other disability or disorder. If you love someone, the best thing that you can do for them is listen and try your very hardest to understand.

Today, June 27th - my 28th birthday - is National PTSD Awareness Day.
Can you do me a favor? Please spread awareness, even if just for this one day. Even if it's just sharing this blog (share away, that's what it's here for!).

Thank you & thanks for caring enough to read!