Saturday, December 10, 2011

til the end.

For right now, its just my brain & me til the bittersweet end. You may know me, we may be friends, but I can guarantee that I haven't let you get close enough to really know me. We've been friends, but until now you've had no idea how I really work. By reading this, you've only really had a glimpse. I may have tried to explain myself to you, I may have tried to lay it out as plainly as I can but at the end of the day you only look at me as though I'm wearing this foreign disability on the outside instead of the inside. You stare at me as though I've become disfigured, unsure of how to act or what exactly it is you should do even though I've explained it as plainly as I can a dozen times. I can tell you what it is I'm thinking but you can't see it, can't feel it. In the end, its only me who has to constantly relive every memory, every fear, every uncertainty.


You all move through your lives with peace and grace and I'm stuck walking backwards through time over and over again. Every so often I've had that one person who grabs ahold of my hand and refuses to let me move from one spot. They've tried to give me a glimpse into true happiness, into life. So far, every time, I've watched the life fade from those few people and my brain just picks up shattered hope and tucks it away safely as a memory that undoubtdly will jump back into my thoughts in the weeks, months, years that follow the tragic loss.


Although the path to acceptance isn't the easiest path to wind though, I think I'm breaking ground. I'm no longer afraid of it, no longer trying to figure it out, no longer running from it - pretending its not my own. I live my days as they come. I try really hard to dominate my brain & thoughts and when I can't, then I use my resources to nutralize myself and wait to see what tomorrow might be like.


There's certain days when I stand alone, watching the world blur around me. Days when I could use someone to talk to and frantically search the hollows of my brain for someone anyone who may understand the impact of the words that would emit from my mouth. At the end of my search, I give in to the fact that the only person coming out strong through my frantic search of contacts stored in my head, is me. Ever since the fateful day when I was 19 and my best friend dared utter the words "Why don't you just get over it? Everyone else does." every bright light went dim inside my head. It was the day that I realized that no matter how hard I tried to explain and re-explain and draw maps and diagrams, no one else would ever understand the madness in my head. The daily, sometimes hourly devastation that consumes every inch of my body, mind and soul.


Am I saying it's virtually impossible for me to find a being who might remember enough of what I've told them and actually grasp what my world is like? No, I'm not. I'm sure there is someone out there. I'm not entirely sure, after all these years in "confinement", that I'd even know how to fully let someone in. I don't deserve it, and they don't deserved to be dragged down by the ever growing whirlwind of chaos and tragedy that is my brain.
I'm ok with that, maybe I was sent here for a greater purpose than to live a mundane life.