Friday, June 27, 2014

The 29th year.

It's 11pm on June 26th.
I was bound and determined to carry on a tradition of writing in this blog on National PTSD Awareness Day (also known as my birthday). Last year I missed out on doing so because I worked 2 jobs and capped off the day with spending a few hours at my internship. After 14 hours of work that day, I was too tired to muster a thought.

Usually I might ramble on about some sort of current PTSD related frustration. This year will be a bit different - this year I want to tell you about my 29th year. 

Here's the one thing I will tell you about PTSD - it tends to suppress the warm fuzzy futuristic memories that one may have. I honestly really couldn't tell you what a future is supposed to look like or what it's supposed to be like to envision one but I do know for sure that what happens in my brain is far from what the norm is. My brain is constantly (unwillingly) focused on past memories... memories of things that weren't pleasant to experience. Because of this, my brain seemed unable to have the capacity of any type of futuristic thought. 

Future? What future? You don't have one
I couldn't envision a future. I couldn't see myself the way I wanted to see myself some day - as a parent, a wife, a person happy in their career. I wanted it. I've always wanted it. But it was so far out of reach that I even convinced myself a few times that I didn't care if I ever got it. 

So January 1st 2013 was this very important turning point in my life.
On this particular day, I was absolutely elated. I had spent the previous night with a family that I both loved and adored and I was in a total state of bliss because I realized the next day on my drive home that I had spent the entire evening/night/morning PTSD free. 
My brain had shut up for almost an entire day. 
For that entire time, I forgot how unforgiving my mind could be. For that one period of time I felt safe and secure and loved and happy and I forgot that I wasn't the same as everyone else. 

When I realized this, I had to pull over to the side of the road because I began to cry out of pure joy.
This, I had a feeling, was going to be the best year of my life. Something had shifted, I felt it. 

2 days later I sat in my driveway and cried for the exact opposite reason. The person I had been in love with (and had spent that New Year's eve/day with) hardly had a word or two to say to me at all. I was back to being miserable and confused and frustrated. What kind of life was this anyway?!

I was almost 30.
I lived in my parents basement. (for good reason since I was about to be working 70+ hours a week)
I didn't have a career... and despite being in college for 12 years straight I didn't even have a degree.
I miserably worked in retail and was currently having to change out of the job title I enjoyed doing in order to be allowed to work my potential internship hours. 
I was almost 30 and desperately grasping on to a relationship that after almost 3 years of trying, had still not even amounted to girlfriend/boyfriend status. 
I was almost 30 and I was nowhere near the life I had once grasped to dream of.
I had accomplished nothing. 

The 28th year proceeded to get worse.
First I started to realized that I wasn't capable of being a counselor, especially because of my PTSD. (Honestly, what the hell was I thinking?!) I called my advisor and told him I was throwing up the white flag. 

In the 28th year I slowly watched a friend grow more and more ill. I watched the hearts of people I loved most in the world break into pieces as we lost an amazing person who had touched the lives of so many people. 

It was now the beginning of March and what I had previously thought (on that January 1st) was going to be an amazing year - had turned out to be one of the worst in a long time.
In quiet exhaustion I had reached out to (the boy previously mentioned) and he had responded in a classic "I just don't give a shit" kind of attitude for the very last time because I could no longer take the emotional toll of a one sided half assed relationship. 

Life was in fact, going backwards. 

I turned 29 in June. 

Now - I would like to tell you about my 29th year.
I don't even expect you to entirely believe that life turned out the way that it did.
Everything just seemed to fall into place.  

In my 29th year I was newly into a relationship that had previously seemed impossible.
No, it wasn't with the person previously mentioned who had upset me in the beginning of the year.
It was "previously impossible" because I strongly believed that there was no way that you could ever fall in love with someone that you had previously known (and not loved). But I fell in love with someone who I had known well for 6 years. 

One day my mind just showed me these small glimpses of a future.
This, a future I had never previously been able to see - no matter how hard I had tried.
I'm not going to lie, I felt like I was insane at first. But it all suddenly just made sense.

In my 29th year, I fell in love and was loved in return.
And there really was never a moment in which I had wished I had done things differently because I realized that every heartache I had previously been through was allowing me to appreciate every little thing that he did for me. 

In my 29th year, I regained my belief in myself as a counselor thanks to a very special coworker that I met during my internship. She forever changed my life in the very best ways possible. Because of this, I flourished. 

In my 29th year, I moved out of my parents basement and in to a house with my boyfriend. 

In my 29th year, I quit smoking for the first time in 14 years. (the previous attempt in my 28th year had ended after 6 months) 

In my 29th year, I became engaged after a beautiful surprise proposal complete with candles and rose petals that spelled out "Marry Me". 

In my 29th year, I graduated with an Associates Degree.

In my 29th year, my SIL helped to free me from shame by turning my arm of ugly scars into artwork.

In my 29th year, I became pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful baby girl

Not everything has happened without pouring my heart and soul into it. There were parts of my 29th year that were hard and scary and could have easily turned into the worst year of my life. But it didn't. Some way, some how - everything always seemed to work out for the best.

So now, it's after midnight - officially June 27th.
In the hour before I sat down to finally write I had been on the couch snuggling with my baby girl who was peacefully sleeping curled up on my chest. I kissed that beautiful face and put her to bed and sat down to share this blessing of a life I've been granted. 

My PTSD (and currently unmedicated brain) tends to throw me into a panic that it's all going to be taken away from me but I try my hardest to believe I will get to live a long and happy life with my new family. 

My family.
That thing I had previously thought impossible. 

And now, I will tip toe into my bedroom where my soon to be husband and my daughter are both sound asleep and most likely snoring in unison.
 
A year and a half ago I feared the age of 30. 
I felt unaccomplished and like my life would never amount to anything.

Today I am 30 and I am madly in love with this life.