A ninja turtle could count on one hand the number of things that could pull me out of a bad day. For those of you who didn’t grow up watching our shelled friends fight crime and keep the streets of New York safe, that would be exactly three things. Three things I’ve found so far. And really, who knows if there will eventually be more or if there will come a time when one of those three things will no longer work.
The first is to overwhelm one of my senses. Currently that would mean one of two things, either blast my ears with music so loud that I can’t help but be distracted by the rhythm and thump of the music or to watch something dance across the television set. Some day I will probably end up deaf from the volume of the music I am able to tolerate when I’m nearly lost to my PTSD. But for now, it can at least keep me partially grounded. And by partially, I mean it won’t bring me back to reality but it keeps me from slipping into a non-responsive blank stare for the rest of my day. The chances that I am able to use this as a tool on a day that I really need it is slim to none. The only thing that can keep me treading water with music would be a pair of headphones that not only fully surround my ears and shut out the entire world or to be standing in front of giant speakers that are blasting enough bass to make the ground move. I could turn the music up in my car loud enough to make it seem distorted and risk possibly blowing out my speakers, but I’m too afraid of disturbing the outside world with such nonsense. They do, after all, always come before I do in my own mind.
On days like this I want to crawl into a hole, take a sleeping pill and succumb to the battle that I undoubtedly cannot win. Unfortunately everyday life requires me to be awake. And even in the hours I can choose sleep, it won't come easy. A day of battle means that the sleeping hours will be even worse. I want to pretend I can make it all go away but instead I find myself forcing myself to stay awake far past any reasonable bed time. This occurs for two reasons: 1. I can finally take time to find as many things as possible to distract myself with the use of the internet and an endless stream of movies. 2. The harder I crash, the more exhausted I am, the better the chance at falling into a sleep deep enough to ward off some demons. Even if I didn't feel like going through those two steps, I really have no choice because my drugs will not work their wonders on my super overactive brain. I would take an Ambien and then continue to stare off into space instead of slowly falling victim to the sedative. I need to be somewhat calm in order for them to really work. If I go to bed emotionally upset on the Ambien, I will end up starting my venture into slumber by sobbing violently into my pillow until I can no longer breathe and need to somehow bring myself back to a calm level.
It's always us, my brain and me, best friends til the end because I have no other choice.
Don't get me wrong, I do actually have real friends, ones that live outside of my brain. I spend every moment that I can to make sure that I'm helping them out in some way. Always staying busy, always useful and it's just as much as for your sake as it is mine. Helping distracts me and makes me feel better. And making you feel better by having my help makes me feel like I have a purpose. I love you all, with all my heart. You've become my tether to the world. But there are some days that I sit back and think "they really don't need me at all. I make them need me".
