i was sent here for the rescue.

I got the chance to be in this video. I can be seen at 0:24/0:25/0:26

It's 12:30am and I'm exhausted but something tells me I don't want to go to sleep.
My brain is being a bundle of PTSD mess and I know that only means equally as crappy sleep (which only equates to not being able to fight back).

In a blog I found online while searching for a way to describe this lost battle (and it is the description to the very core):
{From the moment I wake I know I have no choice but to go to sleep again. It feels like I’m tossed into a boxing ring where I dodge punches from flashbacks, ugly memories, shame, fear and un-resolved issues. It’s as if I’m constantly getting punched in the head. For my own sense of pride I duck and even punch back but I know in my heart I’ll eventually be forced to throw in the towel, lay down my pride and declare my past the winner. I’ve got to go to sleep, no if, ands or buts about it. I have no choice. This angers me too. After all this fighting, stuffing, avoiding or even addressing things head on the bottom line is I have no choice but to sleep. It feels like betrayal because I know as soon as I lay down the ultimate fight begins. I’m going to dream in vivid color and strict detail. Nightmares are going to punch and punch and punch until they don’t feel like doing it anymore.} The blog from the bracketed quotes can be found here

I'm so goddamn tired.
and even more lost than that.
My brain becomes a weaving mess of thoughts in an area that's already at capacity.

Some moments in my day leave me with such peace and clarity that I can barely even believe that it's "real".
And times like this? The jumbled mess of emotions I feel... it's more often then not.

& I absolutely hate it with every ounce of my being. 

Still I can't help but think that the world has far more problems than mine. Far more serious. I have nothing to be somber over.
suck it up erica.

over 2 million people have seen my face. (I'm at 0:24/:25/:26)
& I want the rescue, so very very badly.
But I think I was literally only sent here for the rescue
not to be rescued.