She isn't here to see it.
Sarah died on September 9th 2010. She suffered a massive heart attack brought on by a seizure (which was caused by cancer). She had just been cleared (NED - no evidence of disease) the month before.
In the front cover of a journal she made for me (in December 2006) she writes:
My dear Elikai -
A gift I have been given over the past months is an ability to write, both to myself and to you. Your presence, though many miles away, has been a constant, never wavering comfort through both my darkest and lightest days. I love you, at your worst and at your best, never forget that. No matter what the next tide may bring, I will be here for you.
I have a quote for you - something that is part of who I am and how I think of you.
"You remind me why I stay here. You remind me of all the good, the great, the wonderful - you remind me of the boats, of seas, of races to be won, of fun to be had, of adventures I've not yet dreamed of."
During those moments when I am not sure what I have to live for? I have so many things, so many people, to remember. So many reminders that it is not yet my time, that I owe it to myself and everyone who has cared for me and given so much of themselves in the last two years, to give this my very best shot. That realization helped me keep my head above water, so to speak, and keep it on a bit longer.
I want you to know that you have had an incredible impact on my life, Elikai. However long my stay here turns out to be, you will be in my thoughts and heart the whole way. I will never forget all you have done for me. I will always admire your strength, courage, and resolve through staggeringly difficult times.
To me, Elikai, you are a hero. I know I am not the only one who views you as so, and I hope you forever stand tall, proud of who you are, where you came from, and what you have accomplished.
All my love,
"You remind me why I stay here. You remind me of all the good, the great, the wonderful - you remind me of the boats, of seas, of races to be won, of fun to be had, of adventures I've not yet dreamed of."
During those moments when I am not sure what I have to live for? I have so many things, so many people, to remember. So many reminders that it is not yet my time, that I owe it to myself and everyone who has cared for me and given so much of themselves in the last two years, to give this my very best shot. That realization helped me keep my head above water, so to speak, and keep it on a bit longer.
I want you to know that you have had an incredible impact on my life, Elikai. However long my stay here turns out to be, you will be in my thoughts and heart the whole way. I will never forget all you have done for me. I will always admire your strength, courage, and resolve through staggeringly difficult times.
To me, Elikai, you are a hero. I know I am not the only one who views you as so, and I hope you forever stand tall, proud of who you are, where you came from, and what you have accomplished.
All my love,
Sarah xx
&
(previously written on November 21, 2010)
I knew it was coming.
I had known Sarah had written me one last letter.
Her final goodbye.
But no one told me that it had been sent out.
I wasn't waiting for it.
It just came.
It sat in Matt's hands, urging me to grab it. Begging me to want it.
All I could do was stare at it.
It was someone's very last words to me.
And unlike all the times before. The years and years of letters she had sent - one last time the envelope was addressed to Miss E Kudek.
The address though, wasn't her writing. It was Ali's.
"Take it back," I murmmered under my breath.
Inside my head I was screaming "No, I don't want it! The address, it isn't her writing. She didn't sent it. I DON'T WANT IT."
Elikai,
I'm hopeful I'll never send this. But you get it... the chance to say thank you and goodbye must never be passed by.
It sat there. Next to my bed. Only mere inches from a box full of letters she had sent. One's that I had ripped open in the joy of receiving them before I ever even got back into the house. If I don't read it, she won't be gone.
I mindlessly rub the fly symbol on my wrist.
"When you can no longer run, nor walk, nor crawl - fly." she had told me as she gave me a ceramic dove.
Fly.
Your life has been so tough on you. Your strength & faith, your determination that you will survive & get stronger - You amaze and awe me. Each and every time I contemplate the mountains that seem to face me? I think of you, your quiet bravery and know that anything is possible. Your open, giving heart taught me how to heal when I feared I would never be able to breathe again.
Years of words sit in that box. Words that carried me when I was too weak. Hope.
"Remember? We were going to go to the ocean together. Just you and me and the water. We were going to sit in the sand and all be one. Because we were one."
If we hadn't done that yet - then she can't be gone. She wasn't allowed to kill a dream before it had become reality.
You are, without any dramatics intended, the strongest woman I know. An inspiration to me during both my darkest and lightest hours.
Know this - I may be gone, but I still love you and want the very best for you. Look after yourself, my darling Elikai.
And then, she had signed it as she always had.
I love you, be well & take care
Bumble
